A Series of Failed Clichés
by Razzabeth
Summary: When clichés go bad. HP/DM, among others.
1. Homosexual Parade!

Title: A Series of Failed Clichés  
Author: L'Unholy Razzabeth  
Summary: When clichés go bad. HP/DM, among others.  
  
Harry sat quietly at his seat at the kitchen table, staring at the empty plate in front of him.  
  
The smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes wafted through the air as Aunt Petunia worked diligently at the stove. Obnoxious beeping noises came from Dudley's Gameboy as he punched buttons furiously in his seat next to Harry. Uncle Vernon sat on his great flabby arse at the head of the table, his watery eyes skimming over the morning's paper.  
  
Harry debated with himself internally on whether he should say what he was close to saying, whether he should continue living this lie he had built.  
  
Aunt Petunia finished up her cooking, and carried breakfast over to the table. She served great heaping portions to Vernon and Dudley, gave herself a medium-sized meal, and then dumped the small amount remaining onto Harry's plate. Dudley paused his game, and dug into his food, ocassionally making various piglike noises in doing so. Uncle Vernon continued reading his paper, picking steadily through his food as he did so. Aunt Petunia sat down and ate with careful bites, dabbing at her mouth with her napkin every once in a while. Harry chewed thoughtfully on a peice of bacon, and then made up his mind.  
  
"Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia.. I've got something to tell you." he began. Vernon looked disinterestedly at him over his paper. Aunt Petunia shot him a nasty look for the crime of making his existance known, and went back to eating.  
  
"I'm.. gay."  
  
Vernon blinked at Harry. "Right then." he said, then went back to reading his paper.  
  
Dudley snickered in between bites. "Heh heh. I knew it."  
  
And then, the only sounds were that of chewing, paper rustling, and the 'Pause' music from Dudley's game.  
  
Harry blinked. "..that's all?"  
  
Uncle Vernon looked up at him again, annoyed at having to address him twice. "Well, what did you expect? A bloody parade thrown in your homosexual honor?"  
  
"Er.. you.. you're not going to beat me or rape me or call me fag and throw me out of the house?"  
  
Vernon scowled, putting his paper down on the table. "Harry, I could care less about your sexual orientation, and I could care less about YOU. Beat you? Bleedin' hell, boy, d'you think I don't have morals or something? And even if I WAS such a lowly human being that I would hit a child, I daresay you'd just-you'd use your-" Uncle Vernon made a disgusted face and wiggled his fingers to represent the word 'magic'-"and blow me up. I'm not stupid. Hrmph. Beat me or rape me.. of all the idiotic.." Uncle Vernon muttered under his breath as he went back to reading his paper.  
  
Harry blinked. And blinked again. Then, he finished his breakfast, and slowly walked back upstairs to his room.  
  
To be continued.. 


	2. They're Newtons.

Title: A Series of Failed Clichés  
Author: L'Unholy Razzabeth  
Summary: When clichés go bad. HP/DM, among others.  
  
A/N: I decided to break my rule of waiting for at least 10 reviews for chapter one before putting out chapter 2. That's the way I tell if my stories are worth reading. I wait till I get 10 reviews for every chapter that's out. Good rule, yes? But I won't break it again. I need at least 20 reviews before I give you all chapter 3. ^-^  
  
The Hap Hap Happy Song came from the Diesel website thingy.. linky linky http://www.sponsoredbydiesel.com/fun_page.html  
  
Draco Malfoy was a happy boy. A hap-hap-happy boy indeed.  
  
A hap hap happy day, a fun fun happy day with Draco  
A hap hap happy day, a fun fun happy day with Draco  
I have a friend, and his name is Draco.  
The sun always shines when Draco's here.  
Who can make your eyes bright as rainbows?  
DRACO!!  
Who can make your smile, smi smile wide?  
DRACO!!  
Who can make your pants, tight with pleasure?  
DRACO!!  
Who can take you on a happy riide?  
Draco, that's who!  
A hap hap happy day, a fun fun happy day with Draco  
A hap hap happy day, a fun fun happy day with Draco  
I have a friend, and his name is Draco.  
The sun always shines when Draco's here.  
Who can bring you pleasure fun and freedom?  
DRACO!  
Who will bring you love, and romance too?  
DRACO!!  
Who can sell you merchandising in every flavor?  
DRACO!!  
Who's got a team of lawyers happy to sue?  
Draco, that's who!!  
  
"DRACO!" Luscious, er, I mean, Lucius yelled.  
  
"Shit!" Draco jumped, hiding his muggle CD player beneath his pillow. His father would probably beat him and rape him and call him a fag if he knew he was he owned such a thing. Draco had just managed to shove the wire of the headphones out of sight when his father burst into the room.  
  
"Draco, I.. oh, bloody hell, put your pants on." Lucius winced, averting his eyes.  
"Well, that's what you get for COMING IN MY-"  
"STOP IT! SHUT UP!" Lucius yowled, dropping to the floor in the fetal position.  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow at his father, pulling some black leather pants on. "I was just going to say, that's what you get for coming in my room without warning."  
  
"Oh. Erm." Lucius stood, brushing himself off. "Anyways.. the Dark Lord is here to see you, my boy. Dress presentably and be downstairs as soon as possible."  
  
"Alrighty." Draco watched as Lucius walked out of his room and shut the door behind him. Then he pulled his CD player back out from under his pillow, and lost himself in his hap happ happy world until his pleasure came to a peak and..  
  
(45 minutes later)  
  
"I'm deeply sorry, my Lord, I don't know what's taking him so long." Lucius apologized, serving more apple juice and teddy grahams to his master.  
  
Voldemort looked thoughtful, chewing on the head of a teddy graham. "Hm.. that's okay, I didn't really have anything too important to do today. But I must leave in two hours, because Buffy's on tonight, and then after that I'm watching the Invader Zim tape Wormtail made for me. Say, do you have any fig newtons?"  
  
"Yes, my lord." Lucius said, standing to go to the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, and do get me some Grey Poupon as well. I don't know why, but it just seems to compliment the Fig Newtons in a way that nearly makes me *tremble*, and-"  
  
Lucius yelped, covering his ears and running off to the kitchen.  
  
Draco made his way down the stairs, wiping off his pants and buttoning up his black silk shirt as he went. He headed for the living room, and plopped down on the sofa next to the Dark Lord.  
  
"Hullo, Uncle Voldie." he said, poking towards a television-like box with his wand. Sparks issued from the tip, and went to go form pictures in said box. And there was cartoons, and they were good.  
  
"Hullo, Draco." Voldemort greeted. Just then, Lucius returned with the snackies. "Erm.. there comes a time, in every boys life, when.." Lucius abruptly turned and left the room. "Well, what I mean is.."  
  
"Uncle.. is this about.."  
  
Voldemort nodded. "Yes. You've turned 15, and that is the minimum required age of a Death Eater. D'you want to join?"  
  
"Eh.. nah."  
  
"Okay then." Voldemort turned his attention to the televisionlike box.  
  
Draco blinked. "Er.. is that all?"  
  
Voldemort looked at Draco strangely. "Uh.. yeah."  
  
"You're not going to whip me and torture me and cast Crucio on me and demand that I seduce Harry Potter so that I can draw him into your clutches, crying and angsting the entire time?"  
  
"Uh.. no." the Dark Lord returned his attention to the Powerpuff Girls, which were currently zooming across the screen. Draco stared at him incredulously.  
  
"Well.. why not?"  
  
"Er.. for one, you're just a kid. Not really an important addition to my inner circle. No offense, of course."  
  
"None taken." Draco shrugged.  
  
"Right. And there's no pressing need for excess Death Eaters as of late. Why should I waste an Imperio or Crucio on you when I could use it on.. I dunno.. Fudge or somebody." Voldemort's tummy rumbled. Mm, fudge.. where are the Fig Newtons?  
  
"Oh. Well, that makes sense."  
  
"Yeah. But if like.. a bunch of my circle gets killed or something, and I get desperate for Death Eaters, then, well, I'm gonna have to force you to join me."  
  
"Alrighty, Uncle Voldie. I understand."  
  
And, with that, Voldemort and Draco watched cartoons in silence. 


End file.
